Siouxsies Munching! Or How to Conquer That Diet!

I am a practitioner, a devotee, an advocate, a student of Intentional Eating. Having followed this philosophy for some 24 hours now, I am a veteran with much wisdom to share.

**See below for text of this food pyramid.

Before I share that much wisdom, I should tell you about my previous practice, Intentional Overeating. Practiced by many, I was not even surprised to learn the following statistics of people following IO:

Stay-at-home moms: 99.890467%
Basketball players, limousine drivers, Doormen, Supermodels, Jerry Seinfeld, Campfire Girls: .000023%
All others: .000000001%

Does that add up to about 100%?

Intentional Overeating has several interesting, and sometimes contradictory, tenets:

1. Intend to do better tomorrow.
2. Eat a lot of this bad food since it is definitely going to be the last time.
3. Never ever buy non-organic meat in the grocery store, but turn a blind eye to the meat at Wendy’s.
4. Really really intend to do better tomorrow.
5. Feel bad about every bite that goes into your mouth.
a. Bad food should make you feel bad because you are bad for eating it.
b. Good food should make you feel bad because you aren’t eating enough of it.
c. Neutral food should make you feel bad because you preferred bad food but couldn’t find any.
6. Be very sorry you overate and vow not to do it again.
7. Wish you had the decency to at least have an actual eating disorder instead of skirting the issue.
8. Know you are fat at all times, no matter what size you are wearing.
9. Follow the Intentional Overeaters Food Pyramid perfectly never mind it isn’t complete. Do it.

** All Foods that are unacceptable to eat because they are bad. These include all foods that taste good and every single food you want to eat. Also included are foods with protein, carbs, or fats. And meat. French fries. Pizza. Lord knows. Pizza. Dessert. Dessert menus. Food that is fun. Fried food. Partially hydrogenated oils. Trans fats. Foods that claim to have no trans but must because they taste good. Comfort foods. Foods from your childhood. Restaurant food. Bagels. Muffins. Oh God doughnuts. Foods that come from a bakery. Foods not on the perimeter of the grocery store. Foods that will cause your blood sugar to spike! Anything that makes in your mouth. Anything that melts in your mouth. Food like Grandma used to make. Bacon. Cheese.

10. Intend to do better by Monday for sure.

So, the first step in conquering that diet is DO NOT FOLLOW THE RULES FOR INTENTIONAL OVEREATING. They’re a dead-end. More to come.

1 thought on “Siouxsies Munching! Or How to Conquer That Diet!

  1. Oh, come on! Not bacon! It's not that bad for you! Please, please, please can I hang on to bacon.

    Okay, what if I own a resturant called “All Things Bacon.” Then can I keep bacon?? Please?


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