Yes, S-u-z-y. An online friend of mine, but I have no doubt we would enjoy many things together were we to meet in real life. Suzy’s Going Public Post spoke about her ongoing issues with weight and you can read about it here.
I, Siouxsie, have also had ongoing issues with weight. Now, I’m not talking about the little ups and downs that everyone has. Nor do I have the extremes of bulimia, eating entire cartons of ice cream, or weighing several hundred pounds. No, I have managed to hide my weight issues pretty well (I think). Most people wouldn’t guess my weight correctly, being quite surprised that the number is so high.
But it’s a secret burden, and a source of shame. Not my weight, per se, but the depth to which I plunge my heart into loss and grief by choices I make about what I put in my mouth. How many times have I gobbled up all the [insert junk food name here] for “the last time,” thinking that going ahead and eating it and not having anymore would somehow make the slightest difference? Hello? There are four Kroger stores three miles in any direction from me. I have a car. I have a drivers license. I do not hesitate to use them.
Over the years, I have dulled my senses and my conscience about food.
When I was a girl, my dad and I used to go to Bonnie Lynn Bakery for “emergency rations,” doughnuts to have along “just in case.” But it was really just for fun. I would go along with him on his drapery installations and hand him things as he stood on the ladder putting up the beautiful drapery rods and draperies that would beautify the homes of his customers. I felt like his Princess Assistant, so important, so treasured, so loved. Doughnuts from Bonnie Lynn were part of that experience.
Always, special times with Dad included food and meals. Grabbing lunch at the now-defunct “Burger Chef.” Running up to the United Dairy Farmers for a mid-afternoon chocolate malt (for him) and shake (for me). We had the “lunch bunch” with extended family members once a week. Thousands of visits to the pizza joints after Sunday evening church, and later in place of Sunday evening church. Lunches with just me and Dad. Chips and Pepsi shared companionably during thousands of quarters of football games. Trips to the Aglamesis Brothers ice cream parlor where we laughed and joked and told stories and felt happy.
My faithful mother was in the background, serving meals that included vegetables, cooking us hot breakfasts of healthy foods, whipping up huge meals for guests who would stop by. She is an amazing cook. The bar was set high in my mind.
Along came scientific research. Look long enough, and you’ll find the pro and con research about every food and drink known to man. Yes, eat more of this! No, don’t eat any of it! You know how Steve Jobs wore the same clothes every day because he didn’t want to use his energy on such a small decision? I’m like that. And when the decision doesn’t seem to have any clear answer, as is the case for me with food, I get paralyzed with inaction, and then eventually just say the hell with it and I get a pizza.
Suzy’s going public post put it out there that she was going to do something about her weight issues. And she did and she has. She lost 50 pounds and has kept all but 5 off for over two years. Clearly, she has made a lifestyle change.
That’s what this post ostensibly is about. Making a lifestyle change. But what the change needs to be is the question. What does the change need to be? I don’t know the answer to that yet, but I am sharing this with the world — I want to be healthy and vibrant. My current food choices are not making that a reality.
Besides the “putting into my mouth” aspect, there is also the “what to do instead” aspect, and the “letting go of the belief that changing my eating habits could ever alter the sweet, sweet times I had with Dad.”
This is going to have to be an ongoing process. I don’t have the answers at this time. As a matter of fact, I think I need to just allow myself to be lost in the wilderness of this right now. Accept that I am lost in the wilderness right now.
|photo credit: Greg Taylor|
There are benchmarks and signs in the wilderness that help one navigate, even if one only has a topographical map. Using a map and compass means taking the next steps and then stopping again to figure out where to go next. My map today says to acknowledge the trees that surround me and the darkness that seems to be most evident on the path ahead. My heart says to take the next step. Therefore, I create this post and share it, knowing that doing so is the courageous step that will help me find my way out of this dark forest.
6 thoughts on “Suzy’s Going Public Post”
Suzy– God Bless you for the authentic story..its one so many of us understand and share..it is about a lifestyle change and i made one too..and while you are honoring the trees today…i'm not far behind you..might be a good day for a virtual cup of tea or coffee….or something else warm on this very cold day..like more warm stories to share. Cheers to you new friend!
Siouxsie, I'm honored and humbled that you spoke so well of my “going public” last year (in reality, I had a post titled exactly that – “Going Public – a couple of years earlier; it wasn't the one with the before/after pics but the one where I revealed my weight to the world).
You are right on the mark about food and family. Food is one of the things that brings people together. Happy memories with your dad … I can relate.
But, most of all, I think, your “lost in the wilderness” strategy may be just the thing. I've tried hard to overcome the harsh self-talk, the self-loathing and the good/bad foods mentality. Living a healthy lifestyle is HARD.
I've gained more than the 5 pounds you mentioned, and I sure need accountability right now, so I'm overjoyed that I have the blogger group and friends like you to keep me honest. 🙂
Thanks again for your lovely words – I always enjoy reading another perspective.
Thank you, dear Estelle. Sharing this was incredibly freeing.
Suzy, I corrected the link so that it goes to the correct post.
I agree about the healthy lifestyle. I have done it for periods of time, but still have quite a ways to go for it to really be a change.
And you are spot on about the internal issues that need addressing. That's part of the journey!
No problem on the link. I actually thought you just used the phrase “going public” as a coincidence after reading the link I posted this week with the before & after photos. 🙂
Either post tells a big part of the story, and I don't care which one gets linked to. My goal is to let people know they are not alone and that I know firsthand how long, crazy and difficult the road can be.
As I often say, we are all in this together. Thanks again for the link – either one!
Body-food issues are complex and to be honoured. Mourning for the foods we have to release is completely allowed. Love your posts.