It is so so so difficult for me to drum up extra motivation, or really any motivation at all, for any task which requires the least amount of effort. Actually, that’s not entirely true. When I worked at Best Buy I was energized most of the time. I really loved my job. Only problem was I essentially crawled into a grave and shut myself out from the world if I didn’t have at least 400 mgs of caffeine that day. I hate being dependent on substances but it kind of snuck up on me as soon as I realized substances can magically change your mood. Imagine me, as an 11 year old, or close to it, and wretchedly depressed. What does 11 year old me do? Well 11 year old me doesn’t know what to do, nor, indeed, how to do it, so 11 year old me waits and grits his teeth and survives. He hunkers down like he’s in a bunker getting bombed by the Nazis during the second World War and teeters on the edge of despair, saved only by his mother, until he grows up to be 16 and realizes how much better he feels when he doesn’t feel like himself.
I woke up today and cleaned up my girlfriend’s apartment, even though I so did not feel like it. It took me literally 3 hours because the place was an absolute trainwreck, which, predictably, I am mostly responsible for. I didn’t feel like doing anything today. I still don’t really. It’s an effort just to write this blog post. I think sometimes when I’m writing I self-reflect obsessively and conclude nothing else besides “dude, nobody gives a fuck about any of this.” And I have to admit, the reason I think that is because that’s how I view most of the world. If I don’t know you, I probably won’t read something you’ve written about your life. That’s not to say it’s not interesting, it’s that my life is such a fucked up struggle that it takes up enough of my time and energy and I don’t have a lot of room for anything else.
I’ve stumbled upon an interesting idea recently about the difference between Today Me and Tomorrow Me. It’s certainly not from me – credit to someone on the internet – but I wholly related to it. The philosophy is, basically, that Today Me has a whole lot of potential, but rarely lives up to it, instead shunting that responsibility onto Tomorrow Me. But then tomorrow comes, and I’m still Today Me. Tomorrow Me is an awfully tempting carrot dangling in front of me, and it sometimes even inspires me or makes me feel like I’m really doing something. When I’m not doing ANYTHING! Imagine that! So, what I took away from this infinite cycle is that I tend to be Today Me. I tend to say, “I’ll get my finances under control next paycheck.” Like, I’m chronic with it. And lo and behold, I’m generally fairly dissatisfied with my life. I do have passions, but I tend to not pursue them – I’ll do that tomorrow.
As of right now, I have got to do SOMETHING, though. So I’m going to go to a meeting later on tonight and see if anyone needs a ride. I’ve done this before, albeit only a couple of times, and it feels great. As paltry as it is, they’re always so grateful and getting outside myself is one of the only ways I’ve found to cheer up when I’m depressed. It’s the same reason I ended up liking volunteering once I actually forced myself to do it. I’m helping others! Maybe I can make other people as happy as I’d like to be.
Happiness is really elusive to me. But my latest project is trying to make Tomorrow Me, be Today Me. I know people who do that, and they seem so content. I’d like that. I want that. So, today at least, I’m going to go do something that I was going to do tomorrow. I suggest everyone who reads this pick one thing they were putting off until later this week or even tomorrow and go out and do it. Right. Fucking. Now. Stop making Today Me be a procrastination-addicted little bitch. I’m sick of it and I’m sure you are too. Get your Tomorrow Me to come alive right this second!
🙂