(That’s the plural of frappuccino.)

Before I ran down to Sbux and got one, I was writing a most boring blog post which you would have been subjected to. Instead, I got a burst of energy from that little green and white lady and now you will be subjected to a possibly boring blog post, but at least I don’t feel like the most boring person to have ever lived.

So, about Alanon. Last night, Greg and I attended a local meeting for the second time. It’s a small group but seems to be a group of long-standing. I STILL don’t really get Alanon yet, but I’ve been to fewer than 10 meetings at four separate locations.

Last night the leader opened it up to discussion about any topic we wanted. As I raised my hand and made a suggestion, I discovered really quickly as he interrupted me that it’s any topic that is an ALANON topic. My question was about co-dependency, which isn’t an Alanon topic. Guess I have to go to co-dependents anonymous for that. I find myself listening to people and thinking, “Oh, I don’t do that.” Which probably means, I definitely do.

I can see that this organization helps a lot of people. I don’t really understand how, though. It just seems like such a slo-o-o-o-w way to progress. And I can’t decide if I already decided a long time ago that “[I] admitted that [I] was powerless over drugs — that [his] addiction had become unmanageable” or if I’m missing something very, very basic. Maybe a bit of both? I do not blame myself for his choices. I do not feel responsible for them. Yet, I recognize that our family dynamics have impacted all of our children, and while not responsible for any of their choices, have contributed to each’s experience.

I suppose there are pretty big differences between having an alcoholic parent, compared to having an alcoholic spouse, compared to having an alcoholic child. And maybe I’m still deluded to imagine there’s much difference between alcoholism and drug addiction. At least with alcohol, the alcoholic isn’t breaking a law every time they buy it and drink it.

“Why Alanon” is a question I still haven’t answered, except that I know my husband is getting good stuff from the meetings. I’d like to just rewrite that Step 1 to say, “We admitted we were powerless over drugs, that our addiction had become unmanageable, but that doesn’t mean we are powerless in every way in our lives, and therefore we have great resources available to us, through a higher power and through our own intuition and wisdom.” Except I don’t think that most people even believe that. And anyway, the point of step 1 is to give up control, or trying to control, or believing that we can control an addiction. And as much as I would like to be able to influence my son not to use drugs, I really am powerless over his decisions.

So, for tonight, let’s just leave it at me feeling quite the approach-avoidance conflict about the 12-step program for myself.