Christmas with Siouxsie

Well, I *was* going to share a skit with you tonight but it refuses to upload. This means it’s not the thing I am to write about tonight. 

It’s been a lovely day. Four of our five kids were able to be here this morning. California is a long way away and our son was there this morning. We missed him!

Tonight, my children are on my mind. I got feedback tonight that sometimes they don’t like my approach of asking questions with the intention of allowing them to figure out their own answers. They said that sometimes they just want me to tell them what to do. 

Being as they are young and therefore not as interested in ruminating on things as much, I took what they said and thought about it. 

Where I think I can be more helpful is to be more generous with “I” statements, because maybe sometimes they have wanted to know what I think. 

But I am having a lot of trouble letting go of the idea that it is in the best interests of everyone to let my kids ask and answer their own questions. 

One of them was trying to make a decision related to a long drive today and I did my best to ask questions to help him get in touch with his own thoughts and desires. I can know what I think I would do, but I can’t know what to tell them they should do. 

Ultimately, their journeys are their own. I wonder if what is missing, if anything, is a willingness for me to continue to say the same things as many times as the conversation comes up.

But I think those same things are not welcomed by the ones who are in the situations they do not like. 

It’s just got me questioning my methods tonight! And I spent forever tonight trying to upload that video so it is VERY late. I will sleep on it and see if my subconscious speaks to me at all through my dreams as I sleep.

Merry Christmas all!

2 thoughts on “Christmas with Siouxsie

  1. Your post set me ruminating myself!! Here’s what came up for me…

    I can try to fix someone’s problems by giving them a solution, or choose to stay out of the “fixer role” by offering questions that might lead the person to their own answer. However, I don’t see any problem with offering advice if it is invited by either party (e.g. Problem Possessor: “I just don’t know what to do, what do you think/what would you do?” Or, Listener: “I hear that you’re having trouble deciding, would you like some advice?”)

    Giving advice is different than fixing someone’s problem, because I am simply offering my opinion on the matter. (e.g. “If I was in your shoes, here is what I would do.” Or, “In my opinion, I think you should…”) I, too, have had others say to me, “Just tell me what to do!” At that point I know they are feeling disempowered, disconnected from their own guidance. From that place of helplessness, it can be quite irritating or frustrating to be “fixed into resourcefulness and connection” to be offered good, probing questions. 🙂

    I’ve been in that place myself — so deep into the situation that I can’t see the forest for the trees, and I have made the statement, “Just tell me what to do!” When I’m in that place, it can be very comforting for my listener to acknowledge my dilemma and then respond authentically with something like, “Wow…I really don’t know WHAT you should do!” or “Would you like me to tell you what I would do in your place?”

    Energetically, it’s of the utmost importance to stay emotionally removed from another’s dilemma. By becoming caught up in and distraught about another’s situation, I energetically hold the position that this person is lost and can’t figure it out without outside assistance, thus “confirming their reality” in a way that helps keep them stuck.

    I may have emotions come up in relation to another’s problem, but I need to stay super clear that those emotions are about me and my own concerns. I can even admit to the problem possessor that I’m tangled up in their problem to the point, that I can’t actually be much help, because the more tangled up I get the more I want to fix the problem…which is not helpful for anyone.

    Finally, it’s important for me to hold a clear boundary about my involvement and my unwillingness to take responsibility for the outcome. I do that by peppering in things like “only you truly know what is best for you” or “if you don’t know the answer, who does?” Even holding the energetic stance of being OK with the stuck-ness and not knowing often opens up new possibility for the person with the problem…or has them stop trying to make me into their savior with the answer, which serves no one.


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