Monthly Archives: March 2016

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way home from Alaska

  
So i spent this past weekend watching 8 inches of snow falling in Anchorage. And some other stuff.

In the process, i gave my little Susan the opportunity to use her words and say some things she’d been feeling for a long time. She and I enjoyed the process, although it takes guts to do the work. It’s kind of like having a baby; it hurts like hell in the process (well, at least if you give birth like I did with my babies, sans epidurals) but, ahhhhhh, the result is new life.

Valerie and I happened to be flying home on the same flight from Seattle to Minneapolis because she spent the weekend with her friends in Seattle and I had a connecting flight there. When we got to Minneapolis, we spent just a few minutes together before we parted to catch our respective connections.

I didn’t know how far away (my) gate C21 was from (her) gate F9, so we hugged and I left her there, capable as all get out.

Fifty feet down the terminal, I got a pang of fear and pain. “Oh no, what if she was watching me walk away wishing i would turn around? What if she feels abandoned?” My anxiety ratcheted upwards at an alarming rate.

Just at that moment, I realized it wasn’t Valerie who was feeling abandoned by me. It was a younger me who had panicked after being dropped off by my parents. I ran after the car, desperate to catch their attention so they could reassure me, but neither turned back. Neither one saw my desperation and fear. That girl is who I was feeling. Her feelings of being abandoned were the substance of my pain.

  
It was because of the work I did this weekend that I recognized who was experiencing those emotions in the airport. And I comforted her. I saw her. I let her know I was there for her and I saw how scared she was. Once she knew I saw her and heard her, she calmed down and together we walked to our gate.

As part of this journey, I am committed to wholehearted forgiveness of myself and others. For far too long, I have banged the gavel of the harsh judge, “Guilty!” entirely too often. So I also had to forgive myself for not turning around and giving one more wave to this grown woman, my daughter,  who I admire so very much. Judgement doesn’t live in this house anymore.

It was amazing to be present enough to attend to the child inside whom I have abandoned so many times.

Sound good? I highly recommend the workshop I just attended. They are held every month in Anchorage and at least once a year in Seattle. Not only will you experience healing yourself, but your healing will impact all your relationships.

Ask me anything. I want to share this experience with as many people as possible. The rapid emotional transformation healing practice that is used at White Raven Center is like no other therapeutic experience i have ever seen.

Love,
Siouxsie

I Just Want To Celebrate

Rare Earth

It’s been a long, dark tunnel that I’ve been in. Not sure I’m through it yet, but today I’ve emerged into sunshine and light and thought I’d go ahead and share that with my bae.

Last post said I’d gone fishing. More like gone into hibernation. I think that picture fits me better. The bear lumbering along, getting sleepier and sleepier, and finally just collapsed into a warm lump in my bed.

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Just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Most of the time. Sometimes I just stood in one place, wondering when I would have the strength to take another step. Sometimes I sat down, and thought I might just not get up.

It’s been a dark time. Through this time, I have clung to the concept of compassion, generosity, rest, and patience.

Compassion for myself. Learning to be gentle with myself, even in the face of not feeling like I could walk a mile with a broken leg with the bone sticking out. Allowing myself to rest when my natural inclination would be to crack the whip just a little harder. Crack the Whip!

I came up with a couple ways to give my time to others, and a way to share my bodacious skills with someone. Days when I didn’t have any internal motivation to do anything, it helped to have things scheduled with other people, as going out and being with someone else almost always helped. And I did let myself rest, to a ridiculous degree. The difference was I decided that maybe, just maybe, I NEEDED the rest, and therefore I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. And patience. Just allowing what was to be what was.

The other night I visited Craigslist, the first time in months and months. I can’t remember the last time I looked at Craigslist, and I don’t even remember why I looked at it this time. But I found a job I liked the looks of. A job that involved transcribing the archives of a seminary; a job that asked for someone who knew theological terms, and who would be able to figure out unfamiliar names and terms by efficiently using Google. A job pretty much custom made for my interests, skills, and experience.

Amazingly to me, they responded to my resume and cover letter. And further amazingly, they hired me as an independent contractor. I’m excited about the project, even though it is short-term. Depending on my performance here, this company will assign me other transcribing projects.

Well, I’m here to say that baby steps have been berry, berry good to me. Today is a good day, and I wanted to share that.

Other beneficial (baby) steps:

  • Heart to heart talks with Greg.
  • Scheduling another trip to Alaska (next week!).
  • Successfully completing a research project which drastically altered Kepler’s bedtime routine for the better.
  • Transcribing some of my favorite podcasts in order to give back to the podcaster who is doing such a great service, and in order to allow the learning to go more deeply into me.
  • Sticking with my Alexander Technique lessons.
  • Buying a second CD from my current favorite band and just bathing my soul in the beauty.

So, hello everyone from my hibernation den. See you soon.