Tag Archives: beautiful day

Eli Writes!

This last time on the merry go round of drug addiction as I sat against the unyielding court pews and waited to be remanded, I reflected, not for the first time, how much chaos i was living and breathing.

My beloved car sat morosely outside the courthouse, undoubtedly on tenterhooks in anticipation of my return. The meter clicked down minute by minute and somewhere between the time I was quietly sobbing in the courtroom and the time I was quietly sobbing in my cell in population, they towed it away. My actions had driven everyone in my life away so completely that I didn’t even have anyone to drive my car back home for me. Not only did I have no one to drive my car back, but I essentially didn’t have a home either.

That was 21 days ago. Today is September 5, 2015 AD and I feel different than I did 21 days ago. I’ve experienced more ups, downs, and raw emotions defying categorization than I have experienced in the last six months. Tonight I’ve felt happy, sad, hopeful, renewed, exhausted and serene, often all at the same time. To describe the rest of this week’s emotions would require me to break open a thesaurus to begin the arduous process of transcribing them. Essentially, I think, my brain is simply reeling from the onslaught of narcotics that has plagued my neurotransmitters for years and whose death grip I feel free of for once tonight.

While I’ve been in this locked-down facility for the past 20 days, I can’t say that I’ve had a dull moment. Sometimes I feel like there’s no way I can deal with the clusterfuck in my head without the use of extremely strong drugs, but then, of course, that’s why they locked me up in here in the first place.

I must admit it’s an inexpressible relief today to be free from the burden of battling the practically insurmountable temptation to get high. Whatever feelings that I have to feel, I am grateful that I have them back. I’m grateful that I’m free of the Hamilton County Justice Center’s bleached, starched stripes tonight. I’m grateful to eat food that the FDA has approved for human consumption. I’m grateful to have friends to confide in, friends who are getting clean right alongside me. And probably, most importantly, I’m so very grateful to sit at a cafeteria table across from my mom, little brother, and father and look at them with clear eyes.

Today is a beautiful day.

A Visit to the Cafeteria

Today, at long last, we were permitted to visit Eli at the rehab facility. There are four stages they go through in rehab and stage 1 is complete the day they are formally sentenced to the in-patient facility. Even though he has been there for a few weeks, it wasn’t until Wednesday of this week that he was moved into stage 2, and this is the stage where visits can begin.

I thought the waiting room would be packed with people coming to visit their loved ones. There was only one other couple visiting their son besides us, plus one young man visiting perhaps his brother. One woman came by to drop some things off for her son, but didn’t stay to visit. She had three small children with her (his?) and only three people can go in to visit.

Eli stressed that we should arrive no later than 1:30 for the 2:00 visit so we could get signed in. Signing in requires showing an ID, signing the book, etc., and getting a receipt if dropping off money. “Tone” signed us in today and he was a helpful, friendly, obviously caring man. He waited until about 1:45 to catch any stragglers and then headed back up to the floor. Two woman arrived at about 1:55 and were not admitted to the visitation. They left in a huff, clearly upset at being turned away.

Greg and I and Kepler got an entire hour with our lovely son. The hour flew by, and even Kepler was well-behaved and patient with the help of the contents of Dad’s wallet to keep him busy. Although no touching at all is allowed, I asked the attendant if Kepler could hug Eli before we left. He said he wasn’t supposed to, but then said go ahead. It was beautiful to see the two boys embrace.

I was walking on clouds when we left. To see this young man unencumbered by drugs is pretty beautiful. He has written a blog post which I will post tomorrow. It’s been a great day.

Old habits die hard, it seems

Or maybe we’re just always seeking equilibrium. 

I wheeled the Rosie (Aussie word for garbage bin) out to the street today, reveling in the sunshine and the breeze and the moderate temperatures, a little out of the ordinary for Ohio August. These days are known as the dog days, which, haha, they literally are for me, but not weather-wise. As I sauntered out to the street, I suddenly realized I was feeling guilty because I’m not crazy busy now that the kids are back in school. 

Somebody’s voice piped up in my brain, “Ahem. It has come to my attention that your house is a mess. Cluttered! Messy! Needs attention! WHY ISN’T THIS DONE.” That last bit wasn’t even a question. Somebody thinks they have me pegged. Ugh.

We humans, at least many in the western world, give speeches, preach sermons, write books and teach workshops on slowing down, enjoying the now, letting go of all the busy, and striving mightily to learn to arrive early, take our time, smell the flowers, enjoy the sunshine, hug our kids, go for a walk. 

It’s great to figure out we want to arrive early. It’s important to know why we want that. It’s fantastic that I’m not running like a marathoner all day long currently. I love being able to leave early enough that I’m not stressing about rushing here and there. But it’s a habit to think I’m not doing enough if I actually can leave early enough not to rush. 

As fast as life moves and changes, who knows how many more days of summer there will be where I can feel the cool shade, feel the grass on the bare feet, and take my time? So, Somebody, thank you for your opinion see ya later bye.” 

Can you relate? When is the last time you really enjoyed some carefree timelessness without rushing toward the next thing?