Tag Archives: pull motivation

How to Solve the Problem of “Shoulding” on Yourself

Education and Lifelong Learning, personal growth,

I recently made a list of every one of my roles, and then wrote down all the shoulds related to each role.  So far, I have discovered 40 different roles. Roles are anything that you could conceivably have embroidered on a hat! We all wear a whole bunch of different hats.

As for the shoulds, I was aghast but curious to observe the pages and pages of shoulds that hang around nonchalantly, shooting darts at me all day every day. As I stared at the pages, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Should is a very heavy word.

Not only that, but each should holds several more  inside, like the maryoshka dolls pictured above.

“I should clean out my car” contains “I SHOULD always have a clean car.” Inside that one: “I SHOULD have a clean car inside AND out.”  Inside: “I SHOULD WANT to have a cleaner car.” Inside that one: “I SHOULD get regular oil changes and other periodic service.” Inside that one: “I SHOULD teach Kepler to take all of his trash out of the car every day.” Each one piles on top of the other.

The tiniest maryoshka doll of should is probably the same for every should and has to do with being afraid to make mistakes, or a need to be perfect, or some other aspect of not being enough.

A common example of a should is “I should exericise (more/daily/at all).” And some of us are able to should ourselves to the gym and get it done. But only for awhile. Tony Robbins has a concept he calls “push motivation vs pull motivation.” As he says,

“There are 2 different kinds of motivation: Push requires willpower, and willpower never lasts. What will last is pull – having something so exciting, so attractive, something you desire so much that you have a hard time going to sleep at night, you get up so early in the morning and take it to the next level. That’s what you’re looking to get.”

Does should make me clean out my car? Or want to do it? Well, no, actually. The shoulds simply sit there, judging me. I feel terrible.

With a vague memory of the push-pull concept, I looked at my list and thought there must be some desire under these shoulds. There must be something that I actually want, something that connecting with would transform the should into a want.

 

What I actually like is what it feels like when my car is clean, inside and/or outside, free of trash, organized, fueled up, and taken care of.

I transform the should into a want like this:  I love how it feels to be in my car when it’s clean and organized. I love how it feels to take “exquisite care” of our things. I love feeling content as I drive.

And just like that, I’m motivated to take better care of my car. Just like that. Should is a heavy word. The joy of fulfilling a want is sweet and light and anything but heavy.

 

 

 

T is for Today (part 2)

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Here’s what I notice. Whenever I speak with my son about his addiction issues, I discover that pretty much every question I ask him is one that also applies to me. For instance.

What kind of person do you want to be? (What result do you want?) I guess I understand way too well how difficult it is to postpone gratification when the object of your gratification is within reach. It’s like my brain doesn’t work the same way while I’m being drawn to the object as it does after I have imbibed and now get to deal with the fallout and consequences. Sounds very familiar when you think about drugs. But it also applies to food. There must be something more compelling than the food item if I am to find a way through the immediate temptation.

As Tony Robbins teaches, there is a huge difference in the efficacy of push motivation vs pull motivation. Push motivation has to do with pushing ourselves away from something; implementing willpower; trying really hard not to do something. Pull motivation focuses on what we want; what we would like to experience or feel or be. Figuring out what result I want is the very best kind of pull motivation because that result draws me to itself.

As much as I believe this idea would be incredibly helpful for drug addicts, I also see how valuable it is for food addicts. And gambling addicts. And shopping addicts. I don’t know why rehab centers all over the world aren’t doing this already!

Once I figure out what result I want, the next step is to figure out why I want that result. It is truly the why that is the compelling piece. And the why must be articulated in positive terms. Not, “I’ll stop eating sugar because I don’t want to get sick.” It must be positive. “I will choose healthy foods that contribute to my overall feelings of health and wellness, as well as my actual health and wellness.” The more I can get in touch with what it’s like to feel heathy and well, the more pull motivation I have from that result.

So simple, yet so profound. As far as being the mother of a drug addict, I know that I want to be someone who is supportive, compassionate, honest, and loving. I want to be a person who asks wise questions which allow my son to find his own solutions, as I truly do believe he has the solutions within himself, even if he needs some support right now to find them. I want to be someone who is examining myself in relationship to how I parent, how I live and how I love. Always being willing to keep trying, and willing to try new things that maybe aren’t comfortable.

By the way, thank you to all of you who read my posts and especially to those who comment. I want to be a blogger who has an impact!